I hit a wall

We’ve had big deadlines at work these past few months, so I’ve been working flat out.

Initially I was fine, drinking coffee and going enthusiastically through tons of work. As things got busier though, I started working through lunch breaks, staying late and taking work home at the weekend.

I already know from experience that this type of overwork is a recipe for disaster for me. I am not the most energetic person to start with, so unless I get a lot of rest, I’m on fast track to burn out.

For some reason, although this has happened to me more than once before, I never see overwhelm coming until it’s too late. Like a frog in hot water, by the time I realise something is wrong, I’m already in trouble.

Sure enough I started losing sleep, waking up in the middle of the night to worry about the next day’s tasks. I kept going thanks to anxiety-reducing techniques and silly amounts of snacks. A few weeks in, I was too exhausted to exercise or meet friends, I gained weight and my back hurt.

Thankfully I was able to relax once the first big deadline came and went.

But I hadn’t expected what happened next.

After the project was completed, there was still a lot to be done. But even though I tried my best to focus I kept zoning out, as if my brain had ran out of juice.

One morning I couldn’t make myself go into the Tube, I went for walk instead (ironically I was still on time at work). The following day I chose to work from home to avoid the commute altogether.

I should have taken time off then, but (with typical backwards thinking), I worried it would make it even worse if I started missing deadlines. I should have asked for help but it didn’t occur to me then.

In her book Beyond Anxiety, Martha Beck uses the Internal Family Systems to explain dysregulation – how your inner “managers” (the part of your personality that keep you on track doing what you have to do) and inner “firefighters” (the ones who drive you to eat biscuits as revenge to compensate) can sometimes get into overdrive at the same time. It struck me that both of mine had been working overtime, in a way that was really unproductive.

It’s not the job, it’s me. It has happened a few times over the years, and it’s frustrating to be there again. But like eating healthy foods or having an exercise routine, balance isn’t something you can learn once and be done. Finding peace in a busy work life must be a constant, conscious effort.

I’ve now gone back to the basics. I am now focusing on leaving the office on time, eating fresh meals, reducing my to-do lists to a minimum at home, and generally doing more stuff I enjoy, like reading and watching films. I also asked my colleagues for a hand with the workload.

This setback is obviously messing with my 2025 plans but I’m trying to see the positive and take it as an opportunity for change – learning to set boundaries and focus on self-care. There are still deadlines to be met, so I’ll see how it goes.