How we self sabotage

Last month, as I was going through boxes which I hadn’t unpacked since my last move, I found a letter I wrote to myself in 2013.

It was the type of letter that, if you are into self- help (which I suspect you are, if you are reading this) you might write to yourself at the end of each year, to set intentions for the new year. It’s not so much goal setting, as a time for celebration.

In this letter, I was expressing gratitude for 2013, and I was particularly excited to have started a new blog. I enjoyed writing so much I never wanted to stop. I had gone down to part time at work and had plans for 2014 to start writing seriously with my extra free days.

It was full of energy and enthusiasm, not knowing at the time that none of this would happen. The free time didn’t result in more writing, probably due to the fact than once you get paid for a creative hobby, it somehow becomes a chore.

It was also around that time that my personal life went off-track. I had health problems, and my 7-year relationship broke down, the same week as I quit my job of 7 years.

I could have used the opportunity to start afresh in a new city or career. I could have moved back to France (which if I’m honest, I have regretted not doing since) but life went on and I just got a new job.

Around that time I forgot about writing. I don’t remember why or how, but it was put on the backburner indefinitely.

So the irony isn’t lost on me that ten years later, here I am a beginner writer again. I can’t help but wonder how different my life would be now, if I had stuck to my writing schedule.

As life is a little bit magic, the day after finding this letter, I came across several resources on self-sabotage.

Put in the simplest way, self-sabotage is whenever you wreck your own best-laid plans (a definition I found on the Headspace app).

It sounds funny, but it can truly ruin our lives.

Self-sabotage is what makes you eat an entire pack of biscuits when you’re on a diet (story of my life) or procrastinate on your most important projects (also that). In my case, never mind the extra calories. But I’m really interested in why I can’t seem to make progress on any writing or creative goals.

In her brilliant book Who you were meant to be, psychologist Lindsay Gibson calls our inner saboteur the Ego:

“Whatever you call it, the ego’s mission boils down to one aim: your unhappiness and lack of personal fulfilment. Running the show but taking no responsibility, the ego is the hitman of your psyche.”

This inner enemy is never short of tactics to stop us from setting achieving our goals.

Making us feel “too good” to start at beginner level, or “too rubbish” to bother trying is a classic one.

In my case I often “forget” to follow up on my own creative projects. Which is strange because I am an otherwise very organised person.

Or as soon as I am closer to starting on something a bit scary, I find another shinier idea (why start a blog when I could set up a print-on-demand business instead?).

I also came across this excellent Careershifters article on your inner saboteur:

“Your saboteur is not your limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs have us not-do. The saboteur has us do-to-destroy.”

So it’s reassuring in a way, that we’re not “just lazy” when we don’t do the stuff we mean to.

But it’s also terrifying to think that we might be our own worst enemy.

Dr Gibson’s advice is to get to know the Ego’s voice and deception techniques and then ignore it – because if you engage and try to prove it wrong, you basically can’t win.

For Careershifters, the sabotage ends when you stop focusing on your personal situation, and focus on serving others instead.

We all know it can be easier to do things for others than for ourselves.

Either way, it’s worth learning more about.