Self-care tips for hard times

Life doesn’t always go to plan. Sometimes you do everything to the best of your ability, and things will still fall flat on their faces through no fault of your own.

If it’s happened to your relationship, your career or your health (as opposed to say, your weekend plans), you have my condolences. And we both know we’re in for a hard time.

I lost my job (not for the first time since Covid) a few months ago. To be honest, at first it was a relief to be out of the office stress. I enjoyed the mental break, even took several holidays to visit relatives between job interviews.

However as weeks turned into months and I was still without a job offer (it’s tough out there!), my confidence was getting lower, and the voices in my head louder.

Five months into job hunting, I was questioning my professional abilities, thinking I would never work again, and regretting every single life choice I’d ever made. (If you’ve also got this type of inner conversation with yourself, you’ll know what I mean).

My boyfriend, who is more pragmatic than me since he was in the army, says you can’t expect plan A to work, that’s why you always need plan B and plan C, which sometimes won’t work either.
If you’re like me, a bit of a control freak, it’s going to take serious skills to stay relaxed – or even just okay – during that time.

Here are a few practical ways I’ve found help to manage the discomfort, which might help you too.
I’m still working through those, so feel free to add your own advice in the comments section:

1. Keep moving

I mean, physically. Go to the gym, for a swim, a walk, anything you enjoy and can do easily every day or regularly so you get out of the house. The goal isn’t to get fit (though if that’s your thing, go for it!). But research has found that 30 minutes a day of light exercise has the same results as prescribed antidepressants, so that’s my preferred route to balance my often crappy mood. It also helps fight insomnia, which might come with the territory of a rough patch in your life.

If you’re not the sporty type, housecleaning or tidying probably counts as moving, although you really want to aim to get out of the house and get some fresh air even for 5 minutes, so you can see a bit of nature or people not from your household.

2. Make your surroundings pleasant

We moved to a rental flat last year that comes with some ugly furniture, and for the first time then I became acutely aware how surroundings have a powerful effect on your mood. I’m also a messy person, which wasn’t so bad when I was out at work all day, but seeing as a sink full of breakfast dishes or an unmade bed with clothes piling on is always going to make me feel worse. So even though I still don’t like to tidy, I make myself do it for mental health reason (and I’ve bought plans to distract the eye from the furniture).

I’m thinking the environment is also your other senses. Fresh air and a scented candle works wonders for relaxation (if that’s your thing). I’m also careful what noise is around. I like to have a podcast or TV as a background noise when doing something else, but I find world news and sad songs are best used in moderation if I don’t want to get even more gloomy.

3. Stay connected

Now’s the time to reach out to friends and family for support, even though (and especially if) you don’t feel like talking to anyone. Or maybe join a hobby or support group and make new friends.

Just as you’re being mindful of your home environment, it’s a good time to declutter the company you keep. At least for the time being (and hopefully forever) you’ll want to hang out with people who make you feel good, not the ones who will be critical or feel more upset than you about your situation.

Good friends will help you stay in touch with being you, the person you are without your current problems. They will value and care for your regardless of circumstances, and cheer on your progress.

Be in touch also with whatever other activities makes you feel a normal and valuable human, whether it’s nature, art, sports or making things. If you’re a spiritual person, connect with God or the Universe and your community, if not, you can connect with your deeper self through journaling or meditation.

4. Don’t believe your thoughts

As an introvert, staying home alone while job hunting hasn’t bothered me, but what has been eye-opening is having a front seat to what’s going on in my head all the time. You’d be surprised at the nagging and whiny inner voices and random emotions that pop us as the day goes on. This circus was probably always there, only I might have been too busy to notice it.

I find while some of my thoughts and emotions are valid (for example, feeling anxious before an interview), others are heavily dependent on what I’ve been up earlier (feeling depressed because I’ve not slept the previous night). I might feel sorry for myself and great after I’ve had a shower, or I’ll feel like life is not worth living until I’ve been to the gym and came back pumped.

Thoughts are also often contradictory. I might be super excited about a job one day, and then dread getting a call back after suddenly getting the “ick” on a small detail or just read another shinier posting. I’ll go from super confident one minute, to feeling like a total imposter the next. It’s exhausting.

Understand that a busy mind is part of being human, but trying to observe the process rather than taking your thoughts at face value is helpful, if you want to retain your sanity.

5. Beware creature comforts

Once you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions you might also come to realise you use unhealthy coping mechanisms to numb them – smoking, drinking, biscuits, you name it.

I’ve had a lifelong habit of emotional eating, and when I’m at home a lot it’s dead easy to eat something whenever I worry, feel stress, shame or just boredom. I’ve tried to kick the habit and it’s going so far, but I’m not making promises. I’m also spending far too much time on Netflix which is better than biscuits for my waistline, but not so much for my self-esteem if it means I’ve done nothing but watch Gilmore Girls all day.

There will be days or weeks when you have more energy than others, and that’s fine. You might go out, exercise, take the next step to improve your situation one day, and be sick of the whole thing and long to eat crisps in front of the TV the next. I’m not saying never do it, by all means do it as long as it feels relaxing and strength building, but be aware it’s a slippery slope, and know when to stop before it makes you feel ten times worse.

6. Show self-compassion

You’re doing your best, so try not to kick yourself for what happened when things went wrong (beyond some healthy learnings), and/or the way you’re handling it now. On the days you feel down and it takes a huge effort to get off the sofa, try to make yourself do tiny steps – shower, get dressed, write one email or text to a friend, cook a simple meal (a microwave jacket potato counts). With any luck you’ll get a bit done so the whole day’s not a write-off. If not, start again tomorrow.

Nurture yourself and do things you enjoy. Eat delicious healthy meals. Treat yourself to some flowers. Remember all bad times will get better at some point (and yes, I also get annoyed when people tell me this, but in all honesty, they have a point).

Try to enjoy this unusual time for what it has to offer, even if it is just time off and a chance to reconnect with friends or focus on yourself and what you want.

7. Get curious

Ultimately, a big change in your life means the end of something and also a new beginning. In some cases there will be a “before” and an “after”, and even though you have no idea what’s next, be open to new ideas.

If anything new appeals to you, follow your curiosity, read that book, take that class, and go for it, you’ve nothing to lose and everything to gain. Be open and friendly to the “new you” that’s emerging.

Wishing you all the best on your self-care journey. We’re rooting for you!