The Unexpected Joy of the Ordinary, by Catherine Gray
When she was younger, the author Catherine Gray worked for a women’s magazine.
While leading a life of VIP parties and exotic travel, she was also secretly depressed and an alcoholic.
After a near suicide attempt, she knew that there was only one way to go: raising her “baseline happiness” so that every day wouldn’t be such a struggle.
So she set off to become “default happy”, rather than default miserable all the time.
In technical terms, this is about the “hedonic treadmill” – how we humans are internally programmed to want more, since we quickly become accustomed to what we already have.
The shiny new object that was on our dream list for ages (buying a house or getting a new job) loses its appeal once we get it, leaving us longing for the next big thing (a more expensive house or a promotion).
To make matters worse, we only compare ourselves to people who seem to have more than us.
And the more good things we have, the more it becomes impossible to enjoy anything “average” (which automatically, as we acquire nicer things, increases the percentage of what we find “not good enough”).
We will always get a comedown after an elevated experience, so that our everyday life becomes dull in comparison (imagine getting upgraded to long haul first class once, and how it will ruin your next trips in economy).
Obviously this isn’t a new concept. Pretty much all religions and wisdoms agree that happiness can only be found when we are grateful for what we have in the moment.
A lot of the book is actually about Gray’s experience, and this is what resonated with me the most.
Throughout her 20s she admits to wanting to be extraordinary. She chased more excitement, get the bigger job, the more glamorous holiday, the more expensive treat – but found herself dissatisfied even as she obtained it, finding fault in everything. She also looked down on everyone that wasn’t chasing the same things, and seemed happy to be average. In retrospect, she realises she wanted those experiences for their “bragging value” and the satisfaction of feeling superior, the reassurance that she wasn’t boring.
I can relate.
The book centres around this change of perspective – how to drop the illusion and the chase of the extraordinary and be happy with our lot.
It’s not easy as we are all hardwired towards negativity (she says our brain is like a grumpy Jack Nicholson character – again, relatable).
There is also the fact that our feelings often aren’t our own, they are influenced by our culture. So it takes real effort to be content when we fall short of society’s expectations (through our ageing bodies, our home which needs a refurb, our imperfect partners).
But if we manage to take the attention off ourselves and our egos, we can start to relax and enjoy our lives more.
Once we accept that we won’t be the best at everything, it becomes possible to find deep joy in simple things, such as creating mediocre art, or walking in non-spectacular patches of nature like our local park.
We can delight in buying second-hand stuff, exercising at our council gym, and holidaying close to home.
Basically the key to a happy life is lowering your expectations and upping your gratitude.
Younger me would have found it sad, but now it sounds liberating.
The Unexpected Joy of the Ordinary, by Catherine Gray – Read on Amazon
