Welcome to my (inner) world

My inner world may be the same as yours – full of conflicting, often random things going on in my head.

There are dreams and beauty there, and magical instants, like when a ray of sunshine falls on the book you’ve been reading. Or when steam rises from your morning cup of tea as you’re not quite awake yet – simple moments that make everything feel at peace.

There’s also laughter in there, and deep conversations with best friends.

A sense of achievement doing what you love best (whatever that may be – a dish, a run, a photo), achieving a long-held goal, or even doing slightly better than last time.

But there is also a world of self-doubt and insecurity. An inner voice that tells you you’re rubbish at whatever you’re in the middle of doing (even if you’ve been doing it for years).

I usually begin every work project feeling like it’s the first, each meeting as if I’ve never chaired a Zoom call. Feeling like a child in a room of grownups who all know what they are doing, and probably think I’m dumb.

I spend large amounts of time wondering how to go from these repetitive, negative thoughts, to being in the spiritual “zone” (like when we contemplate beauty or nature). It’s an effort, and it’s often easier to drown the negativity by watching more Netflix, or eating more biscuits.

I often find myself needing to recalibrate my thoughts, from a grumpy old woman’s voice (that sounds like a Jack Nicholson character), to a more patient and caring one. Trying to foster positive interactions and healthy relationships, and not giving in to blame, gossip, or rejoicing in the pains of others.

The reason I’ve not written started this blog years ago is that the inner voice of fear would tell me not to. Often it would show up as the urge to do something, anything else instead (making me feel both lazy, and a coward at the same time).

So that is my world – creativity and self-doubt, wanting to make something, not knowing how to get past resistance. Struggling between the mundane and the extraordinary. Finding transcendence and meaning in the work-eat-sleep routine which makes up our daily life.

Feeling mostly alone, while knowing we must all feel the same.

It’s like this for you too, right?