The Other Side of Change, by Maya Shankar
Who we become when life makes other plans
I’ve always been fascinated by life changes, and the way people reinvent themselves to become a new, stronger person than they were. You may feel the same – there are so many films, series and books about this topic, and they always feel so uplifting.
Uplifted is exactly how I felt reading The Other Side of Change, Maya Shankar’s book about the universal experience of navigating difficult life changes.
Maya Shankar knows a thing or two about this, as a neuroscientist and presenter of the popular podcast A slight change of plans, which focuses on life changes. The book is based on in-depth interviews of her guests, and some of the stories are epic.
Those are ordinary people who faced extraordinary, sudden, unwanted change – the sort you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy – and came through on the other side, their lives transformed by what turned out to be an opportunity.
Like Olivia, a university student who collapses in her dorm room one day with a crushing headache, and wakes up with locked-in syndrome, a rare medical condition that leaves her unable to move any muscles in her body, except for her eyelids. We follow as she struggles to come to terms with the shock, a long and only partially successful rehab process, and the slow rebuilding of a different life in her new body. I guarantee this is one of the most inspiring stories you will ever come across.
There is also Dwayne, the 16-year-old boy who, through bad luck, ends up in a long prison sentence after being involved in a car accident. His chances of a normal education apparently destroyed, he still manages to completely reinvent himself as a poet and teacher, inspiring the next generation of young men in prisons.
Other stories are less dramatic but perhaps more relatable – like the national TV anchor plagued by generalised anxiety after a major mistake at work means he can no longer keep it under control.
Or the author’s own personal story of having to give up a promising career as a solo violinist after an injury, or being unable to conceive a child and create a family in the traditional sense.
It is hard to capture how profound these testimonies are in just a few words.
The book ostensibly aims to give the reader guidance to manage their own life changes, and alongside the interviews it provides a good practical framework and a “survival kit”, including for example:
• Overcoming denial – Accepting our new situation can be hard and threaten our sense of self, and sometimes pretending everything can stay the same can give us motivation, but it can also lead to worse outcomes in the end. Recognising what has changed and accepting our new situation is the starting point to rebuild our lives. Overcoming denial and accepting our new situation is a necessary first step. But we also draw strength from the parts of us that have remained the same.
• Imagining possible selves – Being curious about our other selves – who we might become once we can’t be who we dreamt of being – is crucial in progressing, and sometimes we can draw from various sources to open our imagination. Looking at role models in our situation or other people who have accomplished extraordinary things can uplift and inspire us to grow ourselves.
• Managing anxiety spirals – In stressful situations, overwhelming feelings of dread and pervasive negative thoughts can feel really debilitating, but there are ways to address those that have been proven to work, including medication, therapy, art, creativity, spending time in nature or with others. Anxiety and rumination are particularly exacerbated by loneliness, and any way we find to connect to the wider world around us is beneficial.
I did find this guidance helpful, and though most ideas aren’t new, they are well illustrated by the examples.
What comes out of the book is that, by understanding how to navigate unwanted change, even traumatic events can, in time, offer opportunities we may not have had in our old lives.
As we live through uncertain times, this feels very hopeful.
